Smoked Holiday Turkey

The following is a procedure for making the best smoked holiday turkey in the land. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter .... any holiday will do.The list of ingredients and equipment may seem long, but it will be worth it in the end. Here at MIA headquarters, we love the look people get when they try our turkey. Eyes roll back in the head, exclaiming "oh god." To ensure that the turkey will not dry out, we brine the bird overnight in a maple brine.

- 1 turkey
- 2 large bags charcoal
- 1 bag apple wood chunks
- 1 cooler large enough to fit the turkey
- 1 bag of ice

For the brine:
- 1 Cup Table salt
- 2 Cups sugar
- 1/4 cup seasoned salt (like special sh*t)
- 2 Cups Brown Sugar
- 1 Cinnamon sticks (optional)
- 1 Bottle Maple Syrup or maple-flavored syrup
- 2 Gallons cold water

For the stuffing (not to eat):
- 1 large white onion
- 1 small red bell pepper
- 1 carrots
- 2 red apples (not "delicious" apples)
- 2 cloves garlic
- 1 stalk celery
- 2 TBSP seasoned salt (like Special Sh*t)

Other stuff:
- olive oil
- black pepper

In your large cooler, mix all the brine ingredients together and stir well. You may have to wisk it to get the brown sugar to break up. Unwrap your thawed turkey, remove giblets and neck from the cavity, and place the bird right into the brine. If need be, add more water to completely submerge it. Add ice on top, seal, and let sit over night.

Thanksgiving day: Fire up your smoker with the charcoal. If you have illusions of doing this on your grill, you might want to rethink everything. You need a smoker that can cook indirectly, and with lots of smoke. Don't even try this with a gas grill.

Remove the bird from its brine, shake off excess moister and pat dry with a paper towel. Make a rough chop of all the ingredients of the stuffing. Toss them together in a bowl, then stuff as much of it into the cavity of the turkey. Rub the skin of the bird with the olive oil.

Place the turkey on your smoker, and put a couple of apple wood chunks on the coals. You want to keep the temperature constant, at about 225 degrees. Expect about 1 hour of cooking time per 2 lbs. of turkey. Make sure you plan this accordingly depending on when you plan to eat the meal.

When you remove the bird it should look something like this: